Entering the fuzzy math years: 50 is the new 30
A couple weeks ago as I stood at the mailbox and perused my incoming mail I noticed a card with an “AARF” return address. I was a little surprised. What now, I wondered. Something to do with some kind of dog organization? Perhaps our devious little dachshunds had gone behind my back (again) and written away for information regarding dog magazines, gourmet kibble or canine vacation brochures concerning some posh pooch resort in Dawgpatch, Fla. The enclosed letter probably was asking for a down payment on their three-bedroom beach condo.
Imagine how confused I was later when I opened the envelope, while wearing my reading spectacles, and discovered that the envelope was not from AARF, but AARP! AARP, I tell you! Doesn’t that have something to do with old people I gasped. Yet, this information had been sent to me. It had my name on it!
I opened the envelope. The AARP slogan, “The power to make it better” struck me as a little disturbing. I then grew more befuddled (Uh-oh, an old-person adjective) as the first sentence stated, “50. Feels good, doesn’t it?” I don’t know! Didn’t you just say things could be made better? The letter continued, “Relax. AARP has you covered.” So let me get this straight. You alarm me be suggesting something needs to be fixed, but I should relax because you have the power to make everything “better.”
Hmmmm. I don’t know. I’m not much of a joiner. Remember a couple years ago when a local subdivision ran the home-building commercial accompanied by jaunty music and at the end of the song the perfect-looking white-teethed children chorused, “Come join us“? That creeped me out, too.
First of all, how the heck do these old people know how old I am? I certainly didn’t tell them. Are they a division of the government? Say, the CIA, FBI, IRS or any of those other snoopy acronym agencies? Nope. I checked. The AARP people are not a part of any government organization, but according to Wikipedia (and let’s hope they have it right this time) “a nonprofit, nonpartisan membership organization for people age 50 and over ... dedicated to enhancing quality of life for all as we age.”
So, anyone can be a member of AARP, you just can’t enjoy the discount benefits until you turn 50. And if your spouse is a member, you are automatically “in” if you wish. This means I was already a member when my 50-year-old husband joined — I just didn’t know it. Thanks for the info! For the last three months, we could have been staying in national parks for free, saved $2.50 on our Cracker Barrel meals and been enjoying AARP The Magazine “filled with exciting features on health and fitness, food and more” along with the AARP Bulletin, “focused on important issues like Social Security reform and Medicare.” Sighhh. I guess it is time to start boning up on over-the-hill ailments, liver spot gel and edible soft foods.
I still find it eerie that these AARP people know my birthday. The husband assures me all my information has been out there in cyberspace for a long time and that AARP only has my best interest at heart. But he’ll side with anyone who promises to save him a buck. I’ll reserve my judgment until Friday when I’m actually 50, turn in my information card and receive my Membership Kit. Aw, who cares anyway? Fifty’s the new 30, right? Good news for those centenarians who are now octogenarians.
I am now AARP. No use fighting it — they’ve got my number. And stop smirking. They eventually get us all. They’ll get yours too … if it’s “5-0.”
Cindy Mangieri is taking her milestone birthday in stride. You can contact her bettnews@qctimes.com or comment on her article at www.qctimes.com.