Gnats are driving me gnuts; you, too?

By Bill Wundram | Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I’M afraid to go outside because I will be attacked by swarms of gnats.

   Pardon me; while writing this, I have to stop and scratch my neck. Gnats bite. I have welts. Gnats buzz my ears. They want to crawl inside and hum in my brain.

Ask anyone who dares to go outside, and they will tell you the same story. “I’ve never seen the gnats so bad,” says Darren Kendall, a Davenport nurseryman.

Bug experts call them “eye gnats,” which is as nutty a name as could be given a gnat. They are not to be confused with buffalo gnats, which arrive — almost exactly to the calendar day  — on May 18 every year. Ray Carlson of Maysville, Iowa, keeps track of the buffalo gnats, and he says the pests that are attacking us now are not buffalo gnats. Buffalo gnats are quite friendly and leave after about two weeks.

Everyone is scratching and advising how to keep them away. A neighbor, Tom Helms, keeps Absorbine Jr. on his golf cart. He says it works. It doesn’t work for me. I tried vanilla on my face. That, too, is useless and made me smell like a cake. One well-intentioned caller said rubbing a vanilla candle on my arms and face would do the job. It doesn’t. Squirt yourself all over with Windex or Listerine, some say. That does nothing. I bought an oval-shaped box of anti-bug tissues that look like “wipees.” They’re practically useless.

Gnats are flourishing because of all the moisture. They feed on decomposing grass and weeds, says a master gardener who answers questions for Iowa State University — Scott County Extension. He is wrong. They are not feeding on grass. They are feeding on us.

There is only one way to beat them. Stay inside.

Wrong address, but right idea

The box was addressed to the American Red Cross. It had the wrong Quad-City mailing address, but eagle eyes in the U.S. Postal Service caught the mistake and sent it on to the Red Cross headquarters in Moline. Inside was a diamond wrapped in tissue paper with a note: “Pawn use flood help.” No return address. It arrived Friday, just in time for Sunday’s Picnic on the River. It brought $300 in silent auction.

The meanest jerks in town

As if Mother Nature hasn’t done enough damage around here, some jerks have taken their turn.  A garden had been created by Holly Thompson in memory of her infant daughter, Brittney Ann, who died at the age of 5 weeks. It was a touching, landscaped garden in front of the home at 1915 Cedar St., Davenport.

One recent night — right under a street light — vandals did worse than wreck the garden, breaking off plants, etc. They stole concrete angels, one of them holding a bunny, a frog that had one of those gazing balls in its hands, and an angel bird bath. They had no mercy. They stole a white memorial plaque to Brittney. They even hauled away the top of a concrete bench.

“It’s maddening. How could anyone be so heartless? says Brittney’s grandma, Betty Lambert of Davenport.

Have you heard?

A little grocery store is said to be coming to downtown Davenport, maybe in the remodeled Parker building. One of the city’s finest is the mover and shaker, and something will be announced soon. People are living downtown, and now have to drive miles to get their milk and bread. Anyone remember when there were groceries like Geifman’s, Eagle Market, Prinz and Piggly-Wiggly?

Bill Wundram can be contacted at (563) 383-2249 or bwundram@qctimes.com. Comment on this column at qctimes.com.