A Catholic shampoo, and the cheap parrot

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| Sunday, July 06, 2008 |

Bill Wundram

THIS department complained there are no good jokes being laughed around these grim days of high prices, foreclosures, floods and rain. A couple starters in the mail …

Two nuns and a brewski: While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of large pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, saying …

“The curlers are on me.”

The cheap parrot: A woman went into a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.

“Why so cheap?” she asked the shop owner.

The owner explained, “This bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the cage in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When two young neighborhood women dropped by, the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The visitors and the woman were a bit offended, but began to laugh, considering where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home.

The parrot looked at him and said ...

“Hi, Keith.”

Swat, slap — nothing to laugh about

Following up on the gnat plague, some idle suggestions from itchy readers …One says to put a dab of household ammonia behind each ear. That should keep man, beast and bug away. Another says to mix half Absorbine Jr. with half cheap mouthwash and apply liberally to face and arms.

“I heard of putting a dryer sheet — like Bounce — in your pocket to keep bugs away,” says Debbie McAllister. “The sheet needs to hang out like a hanky. My husband tried it one night and it worked. My sister tried it at her granddaughter’s ball game and it worked for her, too.”

So far, I have received three bottles — at least half-empty — of Avon’s Skin So Soft bug guard. Someone dropped off Skin So Soft bath oil spray. Avon must be good for everything.

“I have the solution for gnats,” says Jerry Petersen of Donahue, Iowa. “Use AC hand cleaner, put out by AGCO. I’m an old Allis Chalmers farm implement dealer and AC was made to take grease off the hands of mechanics, but it sure works against those gnats.”

His wife, Ruthie, says she still hangs out laundry to dry. Before she takes out the first basket, she puts a dab of AC on her eyebrows, ears and back of her neck. “I worked with some flowers and still wasn’t bothered by gnats,” she says.

A physician says that gnats are attracted to faces by scent of the wax in our ears!

Stay tuned …

Bill Wundram can be contacted at (563) 383-2249 or bwundram@qctimes.com.